I have sat down to journal or blog several times in the last few months, but I just haven’t been able to do it. To be honest, everything has just felt a little too “heavy,” even before the pandemic hit our neck of the woods. Flu season for our family was just FULL of sickness (thankfully, not the flu!). It seems like our family has been hit so, so hard over the last few months, but as always, there are also high points.

Most of you know, in the month of March, seven members of our family and one friend all came down with COVID-19. Four of them were hospitalized, and our friend passed away (age 60s) along with my sweet Aunt Betty and my Grandpa (both in their 80s). So my Oma lost her sister and her husband just days apart. My dad was with Oma and Grandpa in Mississippi for a month during that outbreak, while my mom recovered from her second knee replacement surgery at home in Midland by herself. To put it mildly, this last month has been a train wreck for our family. And yet, God continued to show up in little moments. That’s all a very short summary of a very long story, full of ups and downs. To be honest, I have to keep that summary brief, because it is still so fresh and so heavy that it feels difficult to even think about. I miss my Grandpa. I’m so happy he was mine, and I can’t believe I won’t see him until it’s my turn to go. Again, our family has been held up by the people of God — their prayers, and His strength. In Grandpa’s honor, almost $3000 has already been raised for Texas Children’s Heart Center by friends and family, and the number is continuing to grow. Thursday, Grandpa had a beautiful burial in Mississippi with just a few people who were able to safely be there. Just hours after his funeral, I found out that our sweet little girl, expected to be here in August, has a heart defect.

I’m over 22 weeks along, but had postponed my 20 week ultrasound due to a fever Sunley had (yes, yet another sickness even in strict quarantine!). Due to all the COVID concerns, I was asked to come alone and wait in my car before my appointment, and the receptionist called me when my room was ready. So I sat there for just a little while BLASTING worship music while I waited. Sunley’s diagnosis process began with her 20 week ultrasound, so being back in that scenario, before I even walked into my appointment, brought up a lot of emotion. I was able to worship and pray and just be still before heading up for the appointment. The last song that came on the radio before the appointment was “The Blessing” by Elevation Worship, which is basically a very beautiful and powerful chant — perfect for bringing me peace. I just sang it over and over and over in my head while getting the ultrasound done. For me, I find it difficult to put together words for a prayer when I’m “in” the more intense moments — during surgeries, waiting for a doctor to speak, etc. Worship music or reciting Scripture to myself has been how I communicate in those short (ahem, LONG) moments.

When the ultrasound tech got to the heart, I could tell there was a problem. I sat after she finished scanning for about 30 minutes waiting on the doctor (To be fair, I have no idea how long it was but it certainly felt long!), trying to convince myself I was overreacting. When the doctor came in, he beat around the bush, listing all the things that looked good with this little one, but I knew what was coming. His approach was compassionate, but I guess I’m just more of a “rip the band-aid off” kind of patient?

In a nutshell, the most important bit of news is that this heart defect doesn’t seem NEARLY as severe as Sunley’s! In fact, from the little information we have, it seems to be very minor. Right now, it seems that baby #4 is missing her entire atrial septum (the wall between the upper two chambers). This would be called an ASD (Atrial Septal Defect). She possibly has a very small VSD (ventricular septal defect - a hole between the bottom two chambers), but that could close on its own, and it may not be there at all. We have an appointment at the end of this month with our cardiologist in Houston at Texas Children’s Hospital, and that’s when we will hopefully receive an official diagnosis. We’ll be able to get an echocardiogram and check all the other parts of the heart. I don’t know yet what this means for treatment, surgeries, long term health, or anything. But I do know we will be in good hands, and I know God will use it to bring blessings to us, if I can get out the way and let Him.

I had a 3% chance of having another heart baby, in case you were wondering. Honestly, this isn’t the news we wanted or expected, but I will take an ASD over a LOT of other birth defects any day. So while I’m sad and unsure about what will be happening over the next several months, I am so SO grateful to be dealing with something that I at least partially understand! I know what doctors I want, I know (kind of) what to expect, what medications do what, etc. We are very excited to be adding another little girl to the family, and we will take her any way she comes! Please pray for all of us, and especially for baby’s upcoming appointment. The timing of this news might actually be the most difficult part. I haven’t even really begun to grieve my Aunt Betty and Grandpa, and was really ready to get and give “healthy baby news” to the family. We are all hurting tremendously right now, but I remind myself that so is the rest of the world.

How wonderful that at least we are all fighting a common enemy. We are going through a massive shift in our culture and economy, but it’s not like I’m having to explain war or evil to my kids — We are all just fighting a broken world, full of disease. Even on the cloudiest days, the sun is always shining. And it won’t be cloudy forever :)