The waiting is always the hardest part, at least for me. While having a surgery date for Sunley brings a weird mix of relief and dread, we still feel a little stuck in the waiting. Lots of planning conversations end with “Well let’s just get through surgery and we’ll revisit this,” or “Someday, after we get back from Houston we can…”

And of course, we are still waiting on moving into our new build. Most of you know the nightmare that’s been happening with that — literally waiting on one last thing for three months. Such is life. So much waiting.

There was SO much waiting for Sunley’s official diagnosis, and what a roller coaster that was. And while we have a surgery date, we don’t know how well this surgery will work (though we expect and hope it will be perfect), and we don’t know how short or long her hospital stay will be. We just have to wait and see. When we want answers, we have to wait.

We have NO control. And it is so frustrating.

Deep breath.

I spent the weekend celebrating my oldest daughter’s birthday, and she was the center of all of my attention, thanks to her dad keeping the younger 3 while she and I spent two nights away. It is increasingly difficult to give each kid all of the one-on-one time that they deserve, and getting some alone time with Hadelyn was so very good for both of us! She is halfway grown, and she has no idea how incredibly wonderful she is.

One day at a time. I have no control, but lots to do before the trip to Houston…which can easily give me the “illusion of control,” a phrase I often use to replace the word “worry.” Letting go of control is the same — at least for me —as letting go of worry. The other day I listed in my journal a few of the biggest things going on right now, just so I can look back and encourage myself by remembering that I actually did survive doing this all at once:

-Homeschooling 4 kids, and staying involved with their co-op as much as possible.

-Finishing up a build and making all the endless last-minute design decisions

-Getting ready to move, then temporarily “move” to Houston, then back again

-Coaching Hadelyn’s Basketball team

-Pandemic Parenting heart healthy kids AND a heart kid, always weighing risks and benefits of outings

-Getting ready for another open heart surgery on my 3 year old

-Starting a non-profit, and organizing its fundraisers

-Hosting Bible studies for the teenage girls at church

-Trying to maintain friendships, my marriage, etc

-ALL. OF. THE. MOM. THINGS.

-(Housekeeping did not make this list. Something’s gotta give, and my laundry has volunteered as tribute.)

I "should” be worried, and I “should” feel much more overwhelmed than I do. But I have learned to let go. Actually, no. I think I should say I have been forced to let go, and I’ve just stopped fighting it. Saying “I’ve learned to let go” gives me way more credit than I actually should have, because there is no way I would give everything up willingly.

I will get through this season, and I’m doing my best not to wish this season away — because as intense as it has been, I know that I will miss the fullness of it all. I don’t have to look far to feel a deep sense of purpose, and for that I am very grateful.

OK, I want a break, but I’m grateful. Yes, I can be both.