It feels like I just made a blog post celebrating Sunley’s 5th birthday, but here we are a whole year later and she is turning six! Toddler days are long behind us — we have a little girl now, itching to be older and in charge of the world. The week leading up to her birthday closes a months-long resurgence of memories and feelings, heavy with conflicting emotions. This week is my own weird version of a Holy Week, because her coming into this world was really that transformational for me. I am not who I was before I was a heart mom, and Sunley’s birth marks that pivotal event. God gave me a child who came to us already afflicted with an incurable disease — a disease built into the very architecture of her heart. He didn’t give us the healing we wanted, but instead said yes to a million small and big victories over the last six years.

This week, my Holy Week, I remember the peace I felt leading up to her birth, which I absolutely know came because of the Christians around the country praying for us. I remember finding Jesus in every corner of the hospital, every nearby park, every evening’s golden hour reflecting off of the windows of downtown Houston — I found Him everywhere I found myself alone. Like a palm branch to the ground, I laid down everything that had defined my life up until that point in 2018, and opened my arms to the only One who understood what was happening. I knew hard things were coming and so did He. I gripped Him tightly, and I haven’t let go. I had no idea how much depth and joy He had waiting for us.

I also remember the feeling of doom tugging at my joy. I feel it still. Six years have gone by very quickly, and I am not satisfied with the time we have had; I want much, much more. There is a well of anger inside of me that is ready to erupt in grief should that time ever come — But if that time doesn’t come, then what do I do with that? The anger has driven me forward, has made me hate sin, has made me long for heaven in a deep way — but I still feel myself aware of its presence. Even this week, when Sunley was having a hard day, I found myself saying out loud, “I can NOT carry this.” And as gently as He always does, Jesus gently nudges my side and reminds me, “I did not ask you to.”

And so like a palm branch to the ground, I lay down my expectations, I open my arms to Him, and I follow. Today, I will spend the day decorating for Saturday’s Hawaiian Skateboarding Puppy party. I will show my anger to the Lord, thank Him for the joy of a sixth birthday, and ask Him to carry all of it. Hosanna in the highest.