What does it feel like to have faith in and to pray to a God who heals while raising a child born with an incurable, progressive, life-limiting illness?

I think it feels like this:

Sunley is born. Words of death are spoken over her life. But I look to my right and I see a giant oak tree in a field, just outside the hospital walls. One doctor whispers, “She could be healed, but only if you are able to knock over that tree using only your bare hands.”

Now, I know that everything in nature, everything I’ve ever observed, tells me that I can’t knock over that tree. In fact, I’ll look like an absolute fool if I even try. But what would any mother do? She would try.

So I try it, in every way. I try running at it, climbing up and breaking off tinier bits. I try clawing off the bark. Every attempt leaves me a little bruised and a little more empty…but in a weird way, it also leaves me stronger. Every day, the tree gets bigger, and more immovable. And then, finally, I sit in its shade. It’s actually not so bad under the tree. We find ways to play beneath it. I even start to notice that the tree is actually quite lovely. It looks different in different seasons, and I notice that — I have my favorite seasons, of course, when its leaves are greenest and the shade provides the perfect temperature on sunny days. I actually end up thanking God for giving me this tree. It connects me to Him.

But every once in a while, I remember the truth that if I could make it fall, she would be healed. And I start to wonder, Maybe something has changed since last time I pressed against it. Maybe there’s something different in the roots, below the surface, where my eyes aren’t meant to see.

All it really needs is a strong wind. Ruach.

After days, maybe even years of enjoying its shade, I try to knock it over. And I do indeed look like a fool, because it keeps standing.

My friends help — the ones who aren’t afraid of looking foolish. The ones who believe the words of the physician. And when it continues to stand, we sit together and worship in the shade. It’s not so bad here.